Something I have learned since pursuing a more intimate relationship with God, more fully experiencing Him is that experiencing Him means the good and the bad. Feeling the closeness and comfort by his proximity, but also feeling the weight of his discipline through that same proximity. When I was recently working through something difficult, desperate for God's guidance, he gave me a very clear answer which I knew was him, because it was NOT what I wanted to do. So I obeyed at first, then the next day when I had another chance to obey, I did not, and it made a mess of things. That evening, I felt the weight of enemy attack as well as the weight of my Father's discipline, which was heavy and heartbreaking. I felt in that moment, that while this is what I asked for with more deeply experiencing the Lord, I didn't WANT what that came with. I didn't WANT the heaviness and weight that accompanied his proximity. However, I was only able to identify this discipline as a sign of his nearness because I had been in the scriptures. I have read Genesis, and the accounts of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob who had been disciplined by God. I had heard God's rawness in his conversations with Job. This was the God who was loving, yes, but coddling, no. And for once, I was experiencing that. I was feeling Him telling me, "I told you to do better, and so what did you expect when you did not listen?" I've never experienced it before, but I knew this discomfort could only mean one thing, I was moving in the right direction, as painful as it was.
He wasn't the dad whose daughter,
in His eyes, could do no wrong.
I was sitting before my Father
who lovingly corrected me.
John Bevere, in his book The Awe of God, describes an encounter he had with the spirit of God through its manifestation at a conference. John explains by the end of this moment, his spirit and soul were torn between being unsure that he could endure that mighty weight any longer, while also begging God to not let up so he could continue to feel his nearness. This is what I felt. I was sitting there, really thinking to myself, "my God, if this is how it feels to be convicted the deeper I go into relationship with you, I don't think I can handle this! I certainly don't WANT it!". But simultaneously realizing, I had never felt this kind of conviction because I had never known God like this before. I had never granted God this much permission to step this deep into my life and speak to me like a Father who expects more of his child he has called to be holy. I wasn't experiencing the dad who's daughter, in his eyes, could do no wrong. I was sitting before my Father who lovingly corrected me, and I wouldn't trade that intimacy for anything.
I have been digging deep this year into understanding what a fear of the Lord means. Because, I am not afraid of God. I know he is love. But I now am understanding that he is not JUST love, but righteousness, most holiness, and deserves all glory. He judges, he corrects, he commands and expects his children to follow His word. And he promises judgment for those who do not. He is not legalistic (hello... Jesus), but he is not coddling either. There are two dangerous ends of the pendulum Christians can swing to. Then there is the middle ground where the fear of the Lord lives. We have a respect and awe of Him that leads us to being afraid of being apart from Him, so we make the choice to walk in truth and pursue his will.
I am more afraid of being apart from Him for eternity
than I am of being uncomfortable amidst His will.
Feeling the Lord's hand on me in the way I did that night crying in bed did not push me away from him, but it could have. I could have said, "This is too difficult, and this feeling is too uncomfortable. I don't HAVE to live this way."
But I am more afraid of being apart from Him for eternity than I am of being uncomfortable amidst his will, so I WANT to live this way.
So, why would a loving God make his children feel this discomfort and correction? Because he loves us too much to leave us in the detriment of what we think is good or better than Him. Yes, there will be judgment for those who hear his voice and turn from it. But the point is, He didn't have to give us his voice to follow in the first place. We don't deserve the way out that He gave us through Christ, but He provided it anyways.
Take it.
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